Crucial Conversations Notes

 Welcome:
Scenario: Manager didn’t seem to be listening to subordinate.
 
CC:
Best way to solve technical issues.
Good paths for adult children
 
How CC went bad:
Name calling
 
Better way:
Prepare thoughts and emotions
 
What to address: Content, Pattern, Relationship
 
What is the topic that I need to discuss?
How can I bring it up in a way that strengthens that relationship?
 
Our stories provoke their own confirming data.
Change story to change emotions.
 
6 things didn’t work well:
Interrupt
Urgent
Invade space
Vague “unexceptable”
Didn’t point out specific expense policies that weren’t followed
Comment how many poppers eaten
 
Victim: What’s my role? What should I do?
Villain: Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?
Helpless: What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
 
Practice: Think about why other person wants to think of alternatives
 
Start with heart: What is our purpose
Motives often degrade when conversations turn crucial.
When getting upset, stop and think about what your real goals are. For me, the other person, the relationship, the organization
 
State path: Facts, Story, Ask for their path (what is your perspective?)
 
Meeting Multitasker: I noticed you on your phone much of the time during the meeting. It appeared that you weren’t following the conversation. I want you to know that you can speak up if there is something urgent you need to deal with and we can determine a better time to have the conversation. Is there any way we can help so you can take care of priorities and then have the attention available to provide your insight?
Sample answer asked “Could you help me understand what was going on?” Could that be viewed as intrusive?
 
Correct answer for question #3 on https://training.vitalsmarts.com/learn/course/dialogue/state-my-path/the-skill?client=sps-commerce-inc&page=4 appears to accuse them of being more “worried about looking good with leadership then sticking with what we agreed to” and D didn’t have an accusation.
Correct answer for question #4 appears to accuse: “I am wondering if you have concerns about our focus on increasing diversity or if you have concerns about some of the other candidates in the pool.”
 
Focus: How can I convey my meaning? -> How can all meaning be added to the conversation? (Share meaning and get others to share their meaning)
 
Learn to look:
Silence
verbal violence: labeling, coercion
 
Seek Mutual Purpose:
Agree to agree (out loud)
Ask Why to get purpose: (Any why is that important)
Find the “And”: Shared goal/purpose
 
Examples:
Pro-life vs. pro-choice: Started by taking about life experiences that led to their positions. Mutual purpose: No woman feels like she needs to consider abortion
Racism: Started by learning about them which lead to them learning about him.
 
When safety is at risk, step out of the conversation and re-establish safety and purpose
 
Listening: Ability to listen determined by motive, Seeing listening builds relationships, Seek the truth in what others say and listen to understand
Ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime
 
Respond with: Agree, Build, Compare (Can I share my different experience?)
 
Plan how to end the conversation. Who will do what by when? Summarize and then ask for next steps
 
Start with one skill: State path